You Cannot Be Serious

I turned 47 a few days ago. I'm not saying I'm Jack LaLanne or anything, but I do run 14 (and increasing) miles at a time and keep myself in pretty good shape. Historically, if anyone expresses surprise at my age it's because they think I'm a few years younger than I am. I don't think I look like I'm 35, but maybe I could pass for 40. Or at least 44.

So much for that. First of all, banks suck. Especially big corporate banks. But that's another story. Today I was looking at my bank statement online and I noticed a $10 service fee for the use of our overdraft protection. Then I noticed another $10 fee. Then another. Thirty dollars in overdraft protection fees in a week! We've had overdraft protection for fifteen years, use it often, and have never been assessed a fee.

I know, we shouldn't need overdraft protection. But it's there, and sometimes in kicks in. I own my own business, and I don't have my paycheck set up on direct deposit. I pay myself when I get around to it (frequently when I get an overdraft protection notice in the mail). I know, I'll try harder.

Anyway, I was really pissed when I saw those service fees! I was sure we'd received some letter disguised as junk mail and there was some notification about it, but come on, this is 2010 and why don't they e-mail these things?? Or blog about it?

So I took my indignant self down to the Davidson branch of Wachovia. When I walked through the door I noticed a small sign "still #1 in customer satisfaction." 'Not for long' I thought to myself.

The 30ish customer service rep motioned me into her cubicle and asked if she could help me. I'm sure she wished she hadn't asked. I was polite, but I firmly recited my objections to the fees and the way they notify customers of changes to the fee structure (I even threw in something about the Pony Express being out of business).

I could tell I was going to get nowhere. Finally I asked if there were any ways to avoid these fees (other than being a bit more on the ball with our checking account balance), thinking that perhaps if we maintained a higher balance in our money market or put our kids up as collateral we'd qualify for some type of free (as if anything is really free) checking.

This is where I got really mad. The customer service person looked at me - admittedly a bit sheepishly as if she knew she was potentially about to put her foot in her mouth - and said "well, you might consider the 'Crown Classic' account. If you keep a $1,000 balance in all of your accounts, there are no fees." Well, that sounded good to me, so I said I was ready to sign up. "I'll just need to verify that you're at least 50" was the response.

You cannot be serious! Are you kidding me? 50? 5-0???? I mean, you really know how to make a guy feel good. A friend told me I should have said something like "when's your baby due?" as a comeback. Wished I'd thought of that one.

When I look in the mirror I don't see 50. Sure, I see tired at times, the hair is getting more silver in it, I'm not getting any younger. But I'm not 50, and I'm pretty sure that customer service rep knows it now. We ended our meeting with her suggesting that I watch my account more closely for the next 3 years, then come back and sign up when I reach senility and I won't have to worry about fees because there won't be any (I made up the senility part).

I guess I need to bring this back to running somehow. Since I picked up my running about 3 months ago, I've dropped 15 pounds. Yes, that's great. The only drawback is that my babyface is going away and being replaced by something gaunt and apparently aged. I told my wife this evening that I was either going to stop this running nonsense or get some Botox.

I can have it both ways.